Excerpt: His Death

Completely unedited, this is something I wrote many years ago...

I heard a knock on the door but choose to ignore it and continued sleeping. I had been like this for three weeks now I had not seen or called anyone.  Melanie and Adam had tried calling me thousands of times but I didn’t pick up and when I got tired of hearing my phone ring I shut it off. I really wasn’t in the mood to hear people say “I’m sorry” over and over again. I had enough with the day of the funeral.  Landon my brother wouldn’t leave my side he thought I was going to commit suicide or something but I knew better. As much as I loved Elliot I wasn’t going to kill myself. He always told me that no matter what I had to go on living with or without him and though right now I wasn’t in the best of moods to go on living I knew that eventually I had to but not right now. All I could think about right now was Elliot and how much I missed him; I wanted him to hold me now and forever. I missed everything about him his deep voice, his soft yet masculine hands, his touch, the way he kissed me, the warmth of his body laying next to mine and the look of his dark brown eyes. I couldn’t I just really couldn’t do this I couldn’t go on living without him. I needed Elliot to breathe I really just had no energy to get up from bed, no appetite to eat and no motivation to live.

The knock on the door continued I took Elliot’s pillow and placed it over my face. It smelled like him as if he had slept in this bed last night. I held the pillow tighter and cried. I cried because he was gone, because he left me, because all I could feel was pain and an empty space in my heart. I wish my crying would bring him back but I didn’t. No matter how much I cried Elliot was never coming back he was gone forever and that was killing me inside.

“Annie?” I heard a familiar voice call out my name. “Elliot left his keys in my parent’s house and…my dad told me to check on you. Landon called him from California and said he was worried about you. You were not answering your phone and…Adam and Melanie couldn’t get in touch with you.”

I didn’t say anything. I wanted him to go away I wanted everyone to go away. I wanted to disappear. I held the pillow tighter and ignore the fact that Miguel was standing there in the bedroom I shared with Elliot waiting for me to say something…anything. I didn’t want to talk I didn’t have strength to talk since I hadn’t eaten in exactly two weeks. I was wrapped in my bed sheets and blanket and it was the only place I wanted to be because it reminded me of Elliot. The bed had his smell, his perfume and it made me feel warm at night to know that something about him still remained.

“Annie?” Miguel called out again. “We are worried.”

I didn’t answer. He stood there for a few minutes and when he realized I was not going to answer he walked over to the bed and took a seat next to me. He took a deep breath before taking my hand in his.

“Annie you need to go on living without him.” He whispered. “I know it’s hard and you miss him but you can’t do this to yourself. Look at me Annie.”

“No.” I said with a broken voice. “Bring him back.”

“I can’t Annie…he is gone.”

“No.” I cried out. “No.”

“You have to let him go.”

“I can’t…I’m nothing without him.”

“You were someone before you met him.”